MPIKAYISE

I live on a smallholding and being the BLACK DIAMOND that I am (I assume this is the politically correct terminology post yuppies and buppies), this necessitates employing HELP as there is no way that you find me frolicking with the shrubs, flowers and trees planted, and the occassional bullfrogs that you find walking around, in my garden. Yes, i did not make a mistake, walking around on four legs.

His name is Mpikayise Khuzwayo and as his name suggests, he is a native of Kwazulu – Natal. In particular, his roots are in Vryheid. So, as part of our weekly routine, he comes and tends in my garden on Fridays and Saturdays and every morning, on these days, as a function of our estate security rules, I pick him up from the main gate. The said estate rules provides that if he does not have an access card, he can’t walk anywhere in the estate…What a stupid rule..whoever thought of this preposterous rule must have been having an orgasm at the time…That on its own, is a story for another day.

Anyway, as always, I pick Mpikayise up from the gate and as we are about to drive off, the white burly security officer that is in charge of the ‘darkie broers” that always man the gate, flags me down…I stopped and lowered my passenger window and what follows is my conversation with him:


Piet: Mr Tsholanku, when are you getting your gardener’s access card

T; I spoke to the Estate Manager some time ago about it and he promised to call me as soon as it is ready.

Piet. Oh, and what is his name so that I can ask the Estate Manager about the access card?

T. His name is Mpikayise Khuzwayo

P. Hao! Mr Tsholanku, hoekom vloek jy vir my nou?

T:Nee ek het nie gevloek nie!.Jy het vir my die man se naam gevra en dit is sy naam.Mpikayise Khuzwayo.


He got a shock of his life, as he did not expect the retort. If he did not pee in his pants, it is only himself and his god that knows. He always swears in Afrikaans in my presence and I hardly ever say anything.

That he pissed in his pants is the least of my problems. What made me hot under the collar is the fact that he thought I was swearing at him. Mpikayise is a nice "Zulu Impi name" that loosely interpreted means ‘A father’s battle’. Haibo don’t ask as I am not going to venture a meaning for his surname.

This is a man who, as his name suggests, is expected to fight his father’s battles and all along whilst this saga was unfolding, the poor man was sitting idly next to me and minding his own business. At the end of this conversation, and on my way home, the poor man asked as to “what was that all about” No sooner I had explained to him as to what Piet thinks of his name, that it was a swear word, he was ready to kick the hell out of him. To say I restrained him is indeed an understatement.

“Iyeyisa le’ntlanga”(don’t worry about my Zulu spelling, at least I am trying) was his parting shot and we drove home.

It is amazing that at this day and age, 14 years after the first democratic elections taking pace in Mzantsi, a white man refuses to learn a single black language. Let alone that, he refuses to understand and know meanings of black people’s names – In Afrikaans, at least that which is spoken in Eldorado Park, Reiger Park,Cape Flats, Mitchells Plane and Springbok, they have a way of describing people like Piet. Hy is ‘n doos, ‘n naat doos they would say and I agree with them.

At the time of writing this piece, I had cooled down but I still believe Piet must emigrate as he does not belong in a new democracy. He encourages hate speech….you just have to go over this piece one more time…..FOKON HOND (I am told this means an ugly person)
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